Tortallan Fairy Tales
by Manders
Summary: A collection of fairy tales, except for with Tortallan people as the characters. Chapter 1 is Hansel and Gretel.Chapter 2 is Rumpelstiltskin. Rated for language. Heh... I tried. At least my friends thought it was funny. Wehave a weird sense of humor
1. Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel...Er... Thom and Alanna  
  
Disclaimer: What is this point of these things?!? Does anyone REALLY think that I own any of these characters??? If they do, they might want to go to the psychiatrist to get there head checked out. I would like to recommend my psychiatrist. I have to admit, he hasn't done much for my sanity, but then again, I am hopelessly insane.... Ok yeah, I don't own Hansel and Gretel either. Don't think anyone does. Wouldn't that be funny if someone did? Someone asks you: "So, are you investing in anything?" And you answer "I own Hansel and Gretel." If someone really does own Hansel and Gretel, my deepest apologies *sniggers* ON TO THE STORY!!!  
  
A/N: Sorry, haven't read Hansel and Gretel since I was like, six years old. I'll probably end up reading it tonight. So I probably will end up messing up most of the details. Teehee. Please don't pain yourselves to correct every mistake. Some of them may be my intentional changing of the story. I'm not just gonna retype the original story and just insert the names Thom and Alanna wherever Hansel and Gretel would be. That would be stupid. Besides, if you tried to point out every mistake, you'd be up all night.  
  
Ahh!!! I was listening to Newsboys-Breakfast and Sugarcult- Bouncing of the Walls when I wrote most of this (I just kept playing them over and over) so its very....... different. BEWARE!!!  
  
'Darn those blasted kids' Lord Alan of Trebond thought with a sigh. ' What were the infernal brats' names again? Er... Uh.... oh screw this.' "Children!!!" he called loudly. The two twins came shuffling reluctantly into his study-' Thom and Alanna. Thats the names'-. "How would you like to go on a picnic this afternoon? Just us three?" ' Finally, my *evil* plan will go into effect. Can't wait to get- what were their blasted names again?!?- them out of my sight forever... Finally.'  
  
Thom and Alanna didn't really want to spend time with their father, but saw no way out of it. What was the point of asking them if they wanted to go if they had no choice? With one glance at his sister, who he knew was inwardly groaning, he spoke up "I- we- would love to have the opportunity to spend time with you, dearest father." He crossed his fingers behind his back.  
  
"Very well. Be ready to go at midday."  
  
When they had gotten away from their father, Thom rushed to his room. He suspected his father was up to something. Why would he want to spend time with them? He yanked open his dresser and pulled out a small pouch. In it was one of his fathers toenails. (A/N: Sorry, I wanted to use something other than hair and...er... IM NOT CREATIVE!!!!) He had learned from Maude how to read peoples minds using a focus. True, it wasn't the most hygienic focus, but it would work.  
  
As he murmered the spell to connect him to his father to him, violet light spilled over the toenail. His mind raced as he became two different people; himself and his father. ' When the little buggers go into the forest, I'll just abandon them there. They'll never find their way back. Then I can enjoy my books and scrolls without having to figure out what to do with them.' Lord Alan thought. Thom broke the connection. He knew he should have felt sad, but he was just pissed.  
  
"Alanna! Alanna!" Thom yelled as he rushed to his sister's room. When Alanna just glared at him, he explained their father's plan. "The scheming bastard!" Alanna whisper-screamed when he had finished. "It's all right, Alanna," Thom reassured her "I have a plan."  
  
When midday came, Alanna and Thom prepared for the picnic and met their father by the stables. Alanna mounted Chubby (I hope thats the name) and Thom mounted another horse named Skinny. (lol I told you I'm not creative) When Lord Alan mounted his horse, they set off for the forest.  
  
As they traveled through the forest, Thom left small traces of his Gift so that they could find their way home. Lord Alan was preoccupied with his *evil* plans and didn't notice the violet- colored trail behind Skinny. When they finally reached a likely- looking clearing, Lord Alan dismounted and motioned for his *cough-beloved-cough* children to do the same. When they had dismounted, Lord Alan grabbed Chubby's and Skinny's reins. "Er.....Uh...." Lord Alan began. ' What are the fucking names again?!?' "Thom, Alanna, please allow me to take your horses to the river for a drink. I'll be back as soon as possible" Alanna snorted softly but allowed him to take Chubby. Thom did the same. (minus the snort)  
  
Once he left, Thom and Alanna started the walk back home. "Maybe we should give him a chance....? Maybe he really doesn't mean to abandon us....." Alanna began hesitantly. Thom raised his copper-colored eyebrows at her and stared disbelievingly (is that a word?) Alanna let out a short laugh at his gullibility (is that a word either?) and sprinted back towards home. ' Grrrr...... her and her frickin tricks.' Thom thought, irritated. ' Oh well' He raced after her.  
  
Within an hour they were back at the...er.... Trebond Manor. (what would they call their home???) Lord Alan was outraged, but tried to hide it. ' He always was a bad actor' Thom thought with contempt. "Children! I was so worried about you! I looked and I looked, but I could not find you!" Lord Alan explained. "Then how did you get home before us?" Alanna mumbled, yet loud enough that Lord Alan could hear her. Yet he still pretended he hadn't. "What was that, Alanna dearest?" 'Ha! I remembered the name!' he thought with satisfaction. "Nothing, father dearest." Alanna replied sarcastically. The lord of Trebond did not notice.  
  
"Since we did not get to spend time together today, why don't we try another picnic tomorrow?" Lord Alan suggested. Alanna started to growl until Thom elbowed her in the stomach. "Whatever pleases you, father." Alanna answered with gritted teeth. Once again, Lord Alan was oblivious to her anger.  
  
The next day was much the same. Lord Alan led his children deeper into the forest. Except this time, when Lord Alan walked away, he noticed the violet trail leading back towards home. (finally he notices something) He used his highly trained Gift to make it disappear. (lol, Lord Alan goes to the convent. No, he really knows how to use his Gift, but tells his children not to. What a hypocrite)  
  
When Thom and Alanna started back toward home, they realized (of course they realized, they're not as oblivious as their dad) that their trail to get home was gone. Thom started to ponder how it could have disappeared, when Alanna's swears broke the silence.  
  
The two twins trudged lazily through the forest for what seemed like hours. Alanna was singing softly: "When the toast is burned and all the milk has turned and Cap'n Crunch is waving farewell, when the Big One finds you may this song remind you that they don't serve breakfast in hell." (A/N: That's what happens when you listen to the same song over and over again. Sorry I had to put that in. Its from Breakfast by Newsboys. Good song.) "Shut up, Alanna" Thom murmered sleepily. They continued the long, hopeless trek through the forest.  
  
'Finally. I thought I would never get rid of..... DAMNIT! WHATS THE POINT OF NAMING KIDS! I CAN NEVER REMEMBER BLOODY NAMES ANYWAY!!!' Lord Alan thought. 'Hmmm..... What should I do with all this time I have? I know!!! I listen to Newsboys!' *starts singing Breakfast*  
  
After walking through the forest for hours on end, and after Thom listened to Alanna sing Breakfast over and over again, (and occasionally joining in) the Trebond twins came upon a huge cottage. But this cottage was not made of brick or wood. It was made of cheese.  
  
"Oooooo yummm cheese!" Thom said. "BEHOLD! The Power of cheese!" Alanna exclaimed.  
  
And they dug in. Having not eaten since breakfast much earlier that day, they were ravenous. They attached their mouths to the delicious cottage and gorged themselves on it. Every once and awhile they would make a trip to the enormous melted cheese fountain on the side of the house. (oooo im getting hungry)  
  
They continued in this fashion for a half hour, not noticing the evil man-witch (wizard doesn't sound right) watching them intently. Finally the evil man-witch (LOL! MANWICH! YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS ON COMMERCIALS!!! I just had a vision of a spamburger with arms and legs. *shudder*) spoke up. "Ahem." He said. Alanna and Thom appeared not to hear. "AHEM" He said, louder. "AHEM!!!" He shouted. 'Wow, he must have a bad throat disease, having to clear his throat that loudly' Alanna thought with a giggle. The evil man-witch glared at her. Alanna yelped and jumped aside as the evil man-witch tried to melt her with heat vision. (lol morgan i hope your reading this! everyone else, its an inside joke)  
  
The evil man-witch grabbed them both by the ears. (pain!) "You two are now in debt to me because you ATE half of my HOUSE! You now work for me. Oh yes, my name is Duke Roger of Conte,(what a surprise) and the only reason I'm telling you that is because the author of this fanfic is sick of writing evil man-witch, because every time she types it shes reminded of the evil spamburger with arms and legs." Roger explained, out of breath because of the enormous run-on sentence. (Eek! Please don't tell Ms. Wilson about that!)  
  
"Er... uh...yeah... right...." Thom said. His next comment was cut off as he was thrown into a 1 by 1 foot cage -that was NOT made of cheese- by Roger.  
  
Alanna stared at her brother, trying to decide wether to laugh or yell. It was very amusing, looking at her brother squished up in a tiny box. (JUST HAD ANOTHER VISION!) But she was very mad at Roger for putting her brother there. As Alanna battled with herself, Roger dragged her away.  
  
"Now, child, you will boil water for me" Roger ordered. "I will have quite a feast tonight. Your brother is still young, but he still has enough meat on him to feed me. If you do not do what I say, I will eat you tonight, also." (AH! ROGERS A CANNIBAL! A/N: I know that in the real story, Hansel holds out a bone when the witch checks him to see how fat he is, but I can't picture Roger being senile. Actually, I can, but its really scary.)  
  
Reluctanly, Alanna did as she was told. She had no desire to be eaten. She could just picture Roger's teeth on her cooked flesh...  
  
"Now you will check the tablecloth." Roger commanded. "It's over by that cliff, drying. Bring it back to me, and I won't eat you." But Alanna was only half listening. She was struck by a sudden idea. "Where?" She inquired innocently. "Over there, you senile brat!" Roger exclaimed, pointing. "Where?!?" Alanna insisted. "I'll show you" Roger gave in. He led her over to the cliff and stopped in front of the edge. "See?!? This cliff!"  
  
"Ooooohhhhhh! That cliff!" Alanna said. With a wry smile, she shoved him off of the cliff. His girly screams could be heard throughout the forest.  
  
Alanna reunited with her brother, and after gathering tons of cheese and wandering around in the woods for a few hours, they finally found their house. Lord Alan was not pleased by there arrival, but he had to admit, they would have an endless supply of cheese.  
  
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A/N: You like? Sorry about all of my comments. I know that the witch wasn't pushed of a cliff, but Roger could save himself from a cliff, and he needs to come back so Alanna can kill him again later. Teehee. I plan on doing other fairy tales. I'm planning on Rumplestiltskin. Sorry about spelling errors, I supposed to be at my friends house right now and I need to post this ASAP! 


	2. Rumpelstiltskin

Rumpelstiltskin (ha I looked it up in my book of fairy tales, it IS spelled right!)  
  
Disclaimer: Hmph. Seriously. What's the point? Although I DO wonder who owns Rumpelstiltskin.  
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this up, I found a good book (Crown Duel by Sherwood Smith) And I couldn't put it down. Well, that wasn't ENTIRELY a lie. HEY! ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT WRITERS BLOCK EXISTS!!! Oh yeah, and sorry about Hansel and Gretel. It must have been really confusing to try to figure out which things were thoughts of Lord Alan's and which things he actually said. Its not my fault the italics didn't work. This took forever for me to assign roles to each character. I couldn't figure out who had a name that was hard to guess. Which reminds me of the Enchanted Forest Chronicles. There was a guy there whos name used to be Rumpelstiltskin, but no one could ever guess his name. Finally he had it changed to something simple (don't remember what exactly) and still no one could guess it. He ended up with a lot of women's first children.  
  
Oh yeah, I know King Jonathon seems a little... cruel in this story, but hey, there was no other way to do it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Piers of Mindelan had done something very foolish. He had told King Jonathon that Kel had many abilities, which was true. But one thing that she was not capable of was turning broccoli (how do you spell it?!?) into chocolate.Which was one thing he said she could do. Hey, he was desperate. Now, King Jonathon was very fond of chocolate, so he ordered Kel put in a chamber of broccoli and told her that if all the broccoli was not chocolate by the next morning, Kel would not be allowed to become a page.  
  
When the huge iron doors closed behind her, Kel mourned the loss of any chance of becoming a knight. Of course she could not turn brocoli into chocolate. It was absurd.  
  
Despite her struggles to keep her face Yamani smooth, she wept and wept until, when chance came (a/n: 'The Ring ensnared a new bearer. "My precious." The Ring came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him.' Sorry ppl, you wouldn't understand that unless you were me or morgan, or someone else equally *snort* obsessed with lord of the rings) a small person , who could very well be the answer to her prayers, heard her crying.  
  
"Excuse me, lady, but why might you be crying?" Kel looked up into the wild violet eyes of the small stranger. She blushed, ashamed. "The king believes me to be able to change broccoli into chocolate,which I cannot do. If I do not complete this impossible task for him, he will not allow me to become a page."  
  
The stranger snorted. "What a insolent prig. He always did have a soft spot for chocolate."  
  
Kel stared at the stranger, not able to tear her eyes away. Violet eyes, red hair; this was surely Alanna the Lioness. (a/n:at first I typed violet hair and red eyes. scary. *shudder*) Finally Kel found her voice. "Lady Alanna, may I express how honored I am to meet you?!?"  
  
Alanna looked at Kel for a moment before her face split into a large grin. "So you recognized me." Her face became more serious. "I believe I have a solution for your plight."  
  
"Oh?" Kel's tone was disbelieving, one eyebrow was raised. "And what might that be?" As much as she hated to mock her idol, she didn't believe that there could be a solution. "With my Gift, I believe I can change this broccoli into chocolate." Alanna gestured to the heaps of broccoli in the room.  
  
If Alanna believed this would put an end to Kel's disbelief, she was much mistaken. Kel's skepticalism was doubled. (skepticalism? I'll have to look that one up) Alanna apparently noticed, because she immediately put one hand on the nearest bit of broccoli. Violet light encased the vegetable. It shuddered, then, with a small pop, changed it a small piece of chocolate. Alanna withdrew her hand, picked up the chocolate with her other hand and popped it into her mouth."Yummm..... Caramel filling."  
  
Alanna laughed at the astonished look on Kel's face. "He'll never notice. So... what will you give me if I turn all this into chocolate?" Alanna asked. Kel considered this before answering "My practice glaive. I won't give you the one my mother bought me as a present, but you can have my old one." Alanna grinned. "Fair enough."  
  
Kel told Alanna exactly how to get her glaive from House Mindelan, since she obviously didn't have it with her. Alanna nodded but did not leave. Instead she immediately went to work on the broccoli. Kel curled up in a corner of the chamber and slept.  
  
The next morning, when King Jonathon came in to check on the broccoli/chocolate, he found a room full of chocolate, with Kel sleeping in the corner. Alanna had left as soon as her job was finished. He awoke Kel and led her to another, bigger chamber. The room was filled with even more broccoli, and he commanded Kel to transform it once more into chocolate.  
  
Alanna arrived once again shortly after the king had departed. She was swinging Kel's old glaive absently in her hand. She apparently had no idea how to use it.  
  
"Dearest Kel," Alanna began "What will you give me this time for transforming your broccoli? For that is clearly what you wish for me to do." Kel couldn't hide her grin. "How about I teach you how to use that glaive?" Alanna grinned back. "Deal." She began her work for the second night in a row, and Kel watched her for a time before once again retreating to her little corner.  
  
The next day Jonathon thought he was having deja vu. (hope thats how you spell it) The chamber looked much as the smaller one had the day before. The broccoli was no longer broccoli, it was a magnificent array of many-colored chocolates. Kel was, once again, curled up in her corner.  
  
"Wonderful." Jonathon boomed in a loud voice, startling Kel out of her slumber. "Now you must spin one more larger room of broccoli into chocolate. If you succeed *snort* then you will be a page." And with those words, he led her out of that chamber and into another one, bigger still.  
  
Once again, Alanna came to the rescue, once again asking a price for her service. "I have nothing left to give." Kel admitted regrettedly after long minutes of contemplation. Alanna gave in. "Fine. When you are older you will give me the love of your life." (a/n:ha morgan! i changed it! now it makes more sense!)  
  
Kel just stared at Alanna, who blushed. "Well, I get bored sometimes. So I'm starting a collection of guys." Which just made Kel raise her eyebrows and stare some more. She was about to ask what Alanna would do with a collection of guys, and how many she had already, but thought better of it.  
  
Kel figured she would never get married anyways, and she was desperate, so she agreed.(that wasn't a run-on! Me, write run- on sentences? Never! *nervous giggle*)  
  
Once again Alanna changed the broccoli into chocolate, and once again the King was pleased with (quote"e;) Kel's work. True to his word (snort) he allowed her to become a page.  
  
Eight years later (before Rathusauk {don't know how to spell it} is ruler of Scanra)  
  
Kel couldn't be happier. She was just married to the love of her life, and everything was perfect. It wasn't until Alanna knocked on the door of the room she shared with Dom that she remembered about her agreement with her.  
  
"Er.... hello Alanna" Kel said nervously. Alanna took the hint, but just glared."No way. There is no way. We had an agreement." Alanna observed as Kel cried softly. 'She really loves this Dom fellow' Alanna realized. Finally she gave in, knowing what it was like to loose someone you cared about. (*cough* LIAM *cough*)  
  
"Fine. George has the Sight. He told me who will be the next ruler of Scanra. If you can guess the name of the future ruler in the next 3 days, you may keep Dom." Kel was confused, but grateful nontheless.  
  
Within the next 3 days Kel did everything within her power to solve the...erm.... riddle. She even tried bribing George. But nothing happened. No matter what she did, or who she talked to, nobody knew. Meanwhile, Alanna would come at the end of each day and allow Kel a guess.  
  
On the final day, Kel was desolate. She had asked everyone, searched everywhere, done everything she could, to no avail. It was approxiamitely 10 minutes before Alanna was due to come for a final guess, and Kel was reading a piece of paper that, thanks to Neal, told her every person of government importance in Scanra. She was scanning down the paper when her eye caught one name. She had just decided that that one would be her final guess when a rough knocking broke the silence.  
  
"Oh, hello Alanna. I've been waiting for you." Kel greeted sweetly. Alanna just gaped. Many seconds of silence passed (AN:allow me to quote from Goldmember: Ohhhh this is uncomfortable.) until Alanna delicately cleared her throat (lol: Alanna doing anything delicately) "Your final guess.......?"  
  
"Oh yes. I forgot. So silly of me." Kel said sarcastically. She didn't know why, but for some reason she was confident of her new answer. "The new leader of Scanra, will be..... drumroll please........ Maggur Rathusauk!!!" *drumroll stops, applause starts* (A/N:sorry peoples I don't know how to spell it and the only PotS book I don't have is Lady Knight, which is the only one that says his name, and KATIE WON'T TELL ME HOW ITS SPELLED!!!)  
  
Alanna just gaped. "Oh, screw you." She said, then stomped off. Kel squealed with joy and ran off to tell Dom.  
  
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Yes. Very.... not ending-like ending. Erm.... well I was impatient, as I'm sure you guys were. This story has been sitting here, almost finished, for a couple months now, and some of my jokes are getting out-dated. So... yeah. Plus I was reading Crown Duel by Sherwood Smith. Its a 450 some page book, but I loved it. I might even have to make a fic about it. Yeah. But.... yeah. Next will probably be Princess and the Pea, cuz I think I got a couple requests for it, plus thats the one I wanna do. EVERYONE GO SEE THE MOVIE CHICAGO IT WAS GREAT!!! luv ya all, Manders 


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